There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
