Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
