party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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