I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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This is classic penis vs brain.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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