He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
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We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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