you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
