Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
