I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
