the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
