she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?