he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.