I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.