The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
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They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.