Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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