Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
