You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
