You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
