Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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