So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
