GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
