I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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