This is not my ceiling
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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