ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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