Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
