Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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