Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
