btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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