I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize