so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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