I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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