I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
