i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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