Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
