watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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