over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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