Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
