Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
