I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and she was petting her beer can
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
