im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
