also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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