I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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