you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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