Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
