God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
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I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
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Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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