I just gift wrapped bread.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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