just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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