every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
