I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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