I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
