Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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