Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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