speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
