It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
