just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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