your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
