the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
