The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
