Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize