maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
