Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
