how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
